I don’t doomscroll

I scroll only because of Jesus.

…

A friend of mine was the one who called me out on it. The nightlight of my phone illuminated onto my zoomed in stare as I scrolled before resting my head. Sometimes I would drop it flat out on my face when I was trapped in a confused daze. I don’t know why or how, it just ended up happening every now and then.

My friend said the words and I went up onto the stage. I said one word and moved on. My slumber is now better because of it.

The scientific notions of my friend rage me to bitterness. We argue until the refrigerator begins to scream, then until the light finally turns off. We could’ve gone on with it all night, so I escaped the tunnel and slipped into my man made bed until morning. My friend was still standing at the messy island, the words still coming out of their closed mouth. Baggy under eyes and everything else was a bit more clear to me than it was the other night.

I have felt a rather dramatic change of tone in my life. For the past week, I have felt more at peace. I now eat at the table with no thought, but only of the flavors sweeping past my tongue.

The past two days, I’ve been more productive than ever, I now go to sleep with an easy going expression. A relaxed smile always feels and seems nice, right? At first, I didn’t know how this change happened, but after nights of the thinking and disturbing dreams racing horses across my mind, I am now beginning to understand.

I don’t seep into the cracks of depression or avoidant attachment anymore. I know my worth, for my worth knows me. I sweat out of my body for enjoyment and love rather to look like someone else’s newborn child. I scroll past an article of eating disorders and ‘gym hacks’ with sugarcane coating my buds.

I find that it’s with music too. All the heartbreak songs that people seem to worship only because they feel understood for once. All the lovely and petite girls singing out how they feel so alone and unfulfilled without a man by their side. This time I can’t relate. I can’t stand next to them, and now I only barely see a boulder from across the field. I used to be obsessed, but now I nod my head to the sidewalk with my feet on the sidelines.

Even as a writer, I am not impressed by those who speak of dimming lamps or half eaten pomegranates and apples. I read my notes of living daily, and eat my whole loaf of bread, still wanting an aftertaste of those beautiful words. I have never felt more empowered by any book rather than the pages of my vibrant coil. The more I read, the more tolled my lips become and the more I recite, the more my words come out the same way and day onto my paper. With everything I consume, I shall write. My permanent pen and ink never bleeds, it is stuck to me. Only my colored pencils bleed through the thick skin, my finger pacing over and over on how much I need to be reminded of this truth.

Screens of tired therapists and yelling psychologists load for my easily distracted eyes. I think for a moment on it, then close it off completely. I have already fixed my relationship with my dad and it was not from understanding the ways of the mind. We over baked our sweets and joked about recent employee affairs. I showed him a long hour craft and he smiled with a ‘I’m proud’ at the end of his sentence.

The only word I had to say was Jesus. It doesn’t seem like quite an answer, but after you’ve lived it you will understand it completely. Through every fold you will see. You will finally scroll past something and not call it doomscrolling. I do not scroll fast for pleasure, but I do for my mind sees what all and who is better and everlasting. If this page reloads and I am left with an empty space, I will continue to write this same story over and over until it is done. I know the solvent to my problems, the first aid kit to my bleeding knees. I drink my water, but already know what is truly the hydration to my soul.

I thank God again, for I was hesitant to write this piece. My laziness and insecurity wanted to be in control, but the holy spirit is always stronger. Stronger than any feeling and emotion, it drives me from insanity. I no longer stand in front of the mirror with blood all over my arms and with nothing to hold, but with my arms wrapped around my bible and book. I sing in praise and dance in my sleep. I fight the demons still, but alas, I am not alone.

I am never alone, and neither are you, my friend.